Attending a Family Thanksgiving without a Plus One

When you receive an invitation to an event, you immediately begin to think about who your plus one will be. This is a crucial question when it comes to weddings or formal events in particular. It can make the difference between looking single and ready to mingle or part of a couple.

No one knows from a mere glance that your hot date is really your gusband (gay husband) aka standby date for any event in which you can't get a "real" date. Yes, just like on the Sex in the City show, many of us have a real life Standford. The issue with mine is that NO ONE ever thinks that he is gay. He is way too much the masculine, muscular, ex-college-football-playing type. The plus: everyone thinks you've landed this well-dressed, well groomed hottie AND he will honestly tell you if you look fat in the dress before you leave the house looking a fool. The minus: Said hottie can deter a lot of potential candidates from approaching you.

However this "one plus" issue also comes into play with family gatherings. Considering Thanksgiving is tomorrow (and the fact that I am such an introspective thinker-NOT), I find myself both single and without a plus one while contemplating: When is it appropriate to bring a new candidate around the family?

You don't want to introduce too soon at the risk of seeming too into the guy already. But what is the appropriate waiting period? Or rather than a timeframe, is there another indicator like you've been on XX amount of dates? Or you've seen him naked? Or you've had the "exclusive" talk?

I am just curious what other women's opinions are on this topic?

I have heard that the Weds before Thanksgiving is actually a great night for people to go out since many have friends/family in town for the holiday. However since all my single peeps are tied up, I will not be conducting any research until after Thanksgiving. A Happy Thanksgiving to all my fellow single ladies STILL not having sex in the city! (I'm putting a lot of hope into New Year's.....)

Things that Happy-Couple-People Say that Annoy Me.....

Since I have no new research findings to report today, I thought I'd discuss the topic of the unsolicited advice we singletons often get from happy-couple people and how it drives me NUTS. I know the intention is to be helpful and supportive, but sometimes it can be a little annoying.

You know what I'm talking about right? It never fails, when you are attending an event, dinner, party, wedding (don't even get me started on this one!), whatever the gathering, there is always someone that feels the need to give you advice on how to find Mr. Right (only after inquiring about how "single life" is these days and cringing at the thought of themselves being single again.......) *See Happy-Couple-People note.

I will list just a few of my favorites and why they ANNOY me.

1. "You have to be open to it, if you are not really open, it won't happen". What the hell does that mean? Other than wearing a name badge that reads Hello, I am single and open (which could be interpreted VERY differently by men), how much more open can I be? I have a lot of friends and get out a lot, so I'm not sitting home expecting some hottie to ring by doorbell and ask me out (btw-food delivery men are NOT generally hotties). I consider myself friendly and I will speak to people I encounter, but I just do not understand this concept of being "open".

2. "You have to do things you are passionate about and you will meet someone that way". So let's see, I volunteered to work a few breast cancer walks. Guess what? ALL WOMEN at these walks. Granted, I felt good to help a good cause, but not going to meet men at these types of venues. Volunteer for an animal shelter you say? Guess what? Cute couples coming to pick out a new family pet or a new pet for their first apartment together. How sweet. Although I will say that I have not given up on this idea, it has not proven fruitful to date.

3. "Don't you have friends that can introduce you to people or your friend's husbands, they must have friends right?" Gee, thanks for the groundbreaking idea of getting referrals, I would have NEVER thought of this. Don't you think that I haven't already hit up every friend's husband for a handsome brother or cousin or sports team member or co-worker? Of course they all assure me I am #1 on their list of referrals should anyone become available due to break-up or untimely death (after a suitable mourning period of course-I'm not that cold-hearted!)

4. And my all-time favorite:  "When you STOP looking, it will just happen". FALSE. I know from personal experience that this is not true. When I got divorced, I decided that I was going to take some time off from dating and not actively "look". After 3 years of NOT looking, I netted ZERO prospects. In the meantime I gained 10lbs from eating Ben & Jerry's while watching romantic comedies on pay-per-view every weekend. Obviously that has not helped my cause since I decided to start actively looking again. Now I'm just 3 years older and 3 inches wider!

So word to the wise for happy-couple people: Believe me, you will be the FIRST to hear me brag about any potential hotties, share the scoop on any recent dates or promising candidates I've just met. You don't need to ask every time I see you. And while your advice is coming from a good place, keep those words of wisdom for a time when I come crying to you and need reassurance that there's still hope!

*Happy-Couple People Note: Please do not make comments such as "I just don't know how you do it, being single these days", or "I am just so glad my single days are over..".  Instead just poor salt in the wound directly. It will feel better to me.

Watermelon Crawl Wannabe

I have to admit if you are at a country line dancing bar and you see all those people that know ALL the steps to ALL the different dances, you kind of wanna know the moves and fit in with the crowd. Even if you really can't stand country music because you don't understand the lyrics. I mean how does having gas in your car and butter on your biscuit inspire you to write a song about it?

But boy was I wishing I could get out there and do the Watermelon Crawl with the best of them. I could have slid right in next to the other 40-somethings with their diamond studded belts and pink cowgirl boots and do my Bootie Scoot as well. But alas, I sat at the bar saving the seat for my 30-something friend that apparently had a secret hidden talent for line dancing and knew all the moves!

However, if I had not been perched in my spot, attempting to look approachable, pretending to know the words to the songs, and not hating country music (ok-hate may be a strong word but I really don't like it), I would have missed out on the very talented pick-up line of my potential candidate.

"Hello, I had to drink 3 shots of Wild Turkey just to get the nerve to come over here and talk to you". Quick, what do I respond to this poetic prose? Trying to access all the flirty dating tools I've recently learned from watching Tough Love Miami (*See note: Tough Love Miami). You had me at hello?

On subsequent reflection, I probably need to work on my responses for future interactions, but I went with, "You must be really insecure." Probably not the best choice?? Well it didn't deter him or his 2 accompanying friends, one of which would later be eyeing up my 30-something friend.

Let me paint the visual for the full effect. Friend #1: Picture that creepy Svengoolie guy but add long Pocohontas hair, a longer beard, a turquoise necklace and cowboy hat. Friend #2: Picture a man in a bowling shirt with white high top shoes, the kind that were cool when I was in high school in the 80's. Oh, and let me not forget the piece de resistance; remember the janitor from your elementary school that had that HUGE ring of keys that made a lot of noise when he walked down the hallway? Well, imagine that ring of keys on someone that is line dancing?? My candidate: About 6ft tall, wearing a black shirt that was tad bit too tight (and short) to the point where the shirt kind of rests on his little beer belly, acid washed jeans and quite the assortment of silver rings. Obviously I hit the motherload.

After a little flirty banter amongst the 4 of us, 30-something friend returns from dance floor. I try to engage her in conversation with our hotties research subjects. She proceeds to say it's time to hit the road as the clock has struck 11 and it's bedtime. Note: Have to discuss napping before a night on the town with said friend. So I respectfully decline the Jagermeister shots being offered and we proceed to leave. Not before getting my hand kissed by each of them as I tried to shake their hands to say goodbye. Who said chivalry is dead? Who doesn't love the tickle of a scraggly beard brushing against your delicate lady hand?

Overall research findings: You can definitely meet men at the Cadillac Ranch. The whole 2-step partner dances and such present many opportunities to be asked to dance. However it helps if you can actually dance (I have issues walking and chewing gum at the same time). The men seem relatively friendly and the boose was actually cheap. The age range of men varied from early 20's to later 50's. The only question is whether the types of men that go there are what you want. But you may find your diamond (or turquoise stone) in the rough.

*Tough Love Miami note: Before you criticize, I readily admit that I have a weakness for really bad reality shows that are probably inappropriate for a soon-to-be 40-something to be watching. HOWEVER, this particular show has provided me with a few little dating tip gems. They actually interview men after dates with women and ask them what the women did wrong. It has given me some good pointers! Also made me realize I need to learn the "art of flirting"- YES, there is an art to it. I may have a guest blogger provide some insight on this topic in the near future to help us all.

Until next time.....STILL not having sex in the city.

Getting psyched up for next research attempt.......

Ok so tonight I plan to go to the Cadillac Ranch in Bartlett. Of course I know it's a country bar and line dancing is involved. And of course I do not know how to line dance but maybe some hunky good ole cowboy (or wanna-be cowboy; we are talking Chicago suburbs......) will take kindly to a newbie and try to teach me a few moves. Isn't that how it happens in the movies anyway?

My dilemma is what to wear? I don't own a cowboy hat or boots, plaid shirt or anything even remotely country looking! Will go with the standard outfit: anything black. When all else fails you can't go wrong with something black. (Plus that alleged slimming effect can't hurt after the Portillo's cake shake I had for lunch....)

My only other dilemma is that I am a little concerned that the potential candidates I may encounter at a country bar may have some of the dealbreakers that I cannot overlook. While it may sound a tad bit "picky", I do have a few minor things that I consider unacceptable, therefore a dealbreaker:

A) He cannot wear a belt buckle that has a big turquoise stone in the center
B) He cannot have a chain that connects his pants to his wallet
C) He cannot have hair that looks anything close to a mullet, touches his collar or can be put in a pony tail

Now I'm not saying that a country bar is the only place I might encounter these things, but I am guessing my chances are a little greater at a place like this. That being said I am going with an open-mind (I was born and bred in Iowa so I'm not opposed to a little bit of country) but the last country song I actually know and could sing along to was Achy Breaky Heart.........Uh oh, does that date me?

I'll keep you posted on research outcome!

Why I created this blog........

Welcome to my blog. Let me start by stating that I have been single off and on for much of my 20's and 30's (soon to enter the dismal abyss of my 40's- YIKES!!). Give or take many short-lived relationships and even a marriage or two mixed in (ok-please don't judge me.....), I have gone through nearly 2 decades of dating. One would think with the length of time and consistent effort I've given to finding the elusive Mr. Right, that I would have this down. However I find myself still not clear on where all these so-called "good catches" are hiding.

I found myself sitting in my office today with a 20-something, 30-something and close to becoming a 40-something (cringe---that's me) and discussing how it is so hard to find good single men even though we live in this huge city.

The 20-something advised us that sitting at Champs sportsbar in Skokie, trying to look sporty and meet men while feigning interest in a game was not going to work. (Having done this recently I concurred). Then again the 30-something disclosed that hanging out at Wildfire in Lincolnshire (although the food is great!) would only net you men over 50 and mostly married ones at that. Having spent her recent birthday there with married couple friends (*see married couples note), she concurred.

This gave me the idea of keeping a list of places that we've tried that failed to produce any potential dates. What I thought would be even better is to share this list with other intelligent and successful single women that find themselves in the same situation. One side note: I KNOW that online dating is "the thing" now. I know EVERYONE knows SOMEONE that is now in a committed relationship, engaged or happily married to someone they met online. However, some of us just CANNOT do the online thing.

So hence the idea for the blog. I will share some stories of my attempts to find good places to meet men and the often humorous outcomes. I will create a list of Yes/No/Maybe places based on the likelihood of finding good "candidates" as I like to call them. I hope that some of you will share your experiences both good and bad as well. Some upcoming plans include Yard Hourse in Glenview (after work crowd?) and line dancing at Cadillac Ranch (suggestion from 30'something). I'll keep you posted!

*Married couples note: You will NOT meet a man while spending Fri/Sat night as 3rd wheel with married couple if you are:
A) seeing a movie (I have yet to meet a man at a movie theater)
B) having dinner at their house with no other guests present
C) sitting in a romantic corner booth of a restaurant with said married couple